


i feel the love we share fading

by melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme



Series: i've got every night with you [1]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Gen, also angst, basically they're both assholes in their grieving, post tatm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2019-03-30 14:01:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13953105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme/pseuds/melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme
Summary: She gestured and her arms fly around wildly enough for him to think he’s influenced her in some way – her voice is calm in one sentence and mocking in the next and angry before he can even register the change – and when she’s done her eyes are glaring so intently he would’ve burned on the spot if he’d known her less.And then he registers what she says. And promptly gets angry.





	i feel the love we share fading

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So this is kind of a depressing first fic for me to post but heyyy a girl's gotta start somewhere, right? Rated for language (River). The Doctor's a bit of an asshole in here, but maybe it's because River's always interrupting him in the first half.

“River, don’t – don’t _do_ this. Don’t you _feel_ anything?”

Numb. That's how she felt.

She’d just lost two out of three people she loved and trusted most in the universe. Now the only person left is looking at her like she was the cause of his misery.

Her face expressionless, her eyes flicker up to look at him, then she turns away again quickly – she doesn't have the strength to deal with the way the Doctor is looking at her right now; like she was a stranger and not at all the woman he’d married.

She’d seen too much of that face recently to be able to handle it from a version of him that actually _is_  her husband.

So instead her eyes lock on the completed manuscript of the book she’d written for their past selves. She’d hurried through the words, wanting to get it over and done with as soon as possible. Her face hardens as she stares at the thick wad of paper, clenching her fists and resisting the urge to just _shoot_ the blasted thing.

She doesn't say anything as she looks up again and meets the Doctor’s eyes.

“Take me home,” she says in monotone after a while.

She sees the Doctor’s face flinch at the emptiness of her voice. He’ll just have to get used to it. Without waiting for an answer, she pushes past him to get to the console room. She's about halfway there before he even thinks to give her a reply.

“No.”

She turns around, prepared to glare and argue with him, but then decides that it isn’t worth the effort. There's a reason why she's able to fly the Tardis herself. When she turns back to head towards the console room anyway, she realises it will take twice the normal time to get there again – the Tardis is on his side too.

_Brilliant._

“Doctor,” now she's angry. Good. Anything is better than that – that _emptiness_ with which she’d first spoken. “Take. Me. _Home_.”

With each word she out of her mouth, she takes a menacing step towards him, fists clenched by her side and eyes full of fury.

_“No.”_ he repeats, taking a step towards her as well. Now they're right in front of each other, and he was looking down at her hardened face. “River, please – _please_ , just – "

But she turns on her heel and marches away from him, determinedly ignoring whatever he was about to say.

_Fine_ , she thinks, _I’ll do it myself_.

He hurries after her – when he catches up she's already in the console room, about to key in the coordinates when she realises that the Tardis had locked the console – no matter which button she pushes or which lever she pulls, nothing would budge. Each time she enters her coordinates the Tardis would erase it. It seems the Old Girl is preventing her from leaving, too.

Silently thanking his ship from his place at the top of the stairs, he turns to watch his wife smack her hand against the panels in frustration. He hears her inhale sharply and immediately starts towards her, concern overruling the anger he feels at her, but she turns to stare at him – and the plain fury in her eyes makes him stop as abruptly as he’d started, his hand finding and gripping the railing by the stairs.

“Why,” she spits, but he can tell that she's still reigning in her anger, still holding back. “Do you _insist_ on _caging_ me here?”

“River, please – _please_ , just – ” he shuts his eyes and makes his way down the stairs, slowly approaching her.

“What?” she demands, the frustration and fury in her words making him stop in his tracks a few steps from her. “What do you want me to do, Doctor? I’ve lost my parents – I can’t ever see them again and I want – I _need_ – to be alone for a while. Can’t you – can’t you do this _one_ thing for me?”

“River,” his voice is thick with emotion because all her previous anger is turning into desperation but he _can't,_  he just _can’t_ let her go now. He’d just lost Amy and Rory and now River’s a professor and everything just – “ _Please_. I need you here.”

“I can’t.” her voice is weak and trembling slightly and she forces her eyes shut because – damage. Hide. _Now._

“Why not?” now he’s getting angry at nothing, but her rejection and her refusal to stay and her stubbornness was just so frustrating and _for god’s sake, River_ – “Why do you always have to leave when I tell you that – ”

“You’re the runner in this relationship, Doctor.” Her voice is cold and he shuts his mouth because he can’t lie about _that_. Not when no truer thing has ever been said.

Always, since the beginning – he and his Tardis, running everywhere and everywhen and that _certainly_ hadn’t changed since he started a relationship with River. Leaving her on Stormcage and on trips, on expeditions and museums and lectures – _always_ him leaving her behind.

“I’m not running now, River.”

She scoffs and he glares, because _why is it so hard to believe I want you here?_

“You can drop the act, Doctor. They aren’t around anymore! In fact, they’ll never be around here again so why don’t you just drop me off at Luna like you always fucking do and go on _gallivanting_ to another planet and just fucking leave me alone!”

She gestures and her arms fly around wildly enough for him to think he’s influenced her in some way – her voice is calm in one sentence and mocking in the next and angry before he can even register the change – and when she’s done her eyes are glaring so intently he would’ve burned on the spot if he’d known her less.

And then he registers what she says. And promptly gets angry.

“You think I haven’t noticed that they aren’t around anymore? You would know though, wouldn’t you? Stop acting as though it’s _my_ fault you lost _both_ of them when we both know who it was in this room that told her to follow Rory. And it isn’t me.”

He’d noticed her registering everything she’d said and biting her lip in regret, but he couldn’t contain himself – and to his horror, he found that he’d actually _meant_ everything he’d said. She turns away and he knows it's because she's trying to hide her tears, but damn if he doesn't continue anyway. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been asking you to stay for god knows how long. _You’re_ the one who said no. Don’t you dare just – “

“For _fuck’s_ sake, Doctor!” she snaps, whirling around and almost whacking him with an accusatory finger that she points at his chest. “All _this_ is being played by _your_ rules. _Yours_. Not mine. _You_ were the one who told me we couldn’t spend more than three weeks together – but I see now. Three weeks was the longest you could put up with me, was it?” she rolls her eyes and ignores her broken heart. “You needn’t have bothered, Doctor. I knew you were only placating me for my parents’ sakes. Well they’re gone now – so will you just _please_ let me get out of your hair?”

Wait – _what?_

He stares at her, bewildered. What is happening? What is she saying – is she serious? Actually, properly, _serious?_

“Don’t be stupid, River –“

“Is it?” she shouts. “Is it really? It doesn’t take a genius to work out that affection in this relationship is entirely one-sided, Doctor. I gave up my regenerations for you – I stopped fucking _time_ to tell you that I loved you and you told me you were embarrassed of me. Tell me, Doctor. What have you done for me?”

“I _married_ you.” He's so baffled at the sudden shift of topic that he doesn't realise how weak his answer is or he would’ve added on.

“ _Please_ ,” she scoffs. “You’ve married other people as well. I’m hardly special. Come to think of it, you never really, actually asked me if I even wanted to marry you.”

Her jaw is locked so tight she's sure it will be sore in the morning, and her fists are clenched so hard her knuckles are white, and before she knows it she's pulling the dark bow tie she always keeps close to her because it had been a symbol that she's loved by him – the _only_ evidence that she's loved by him – from the hiding place in her dress – and flings it at him.

“You can throw that for all it’s worth to you.” Her voice is cold and impartial – it cut through him like a knife plunged _right_ where it would hurt the most and the bow tie that had been so, so cherished by them both – because it was special and _theirs_ and it was the _one thing_ they’d actually kept from their wedding night – and it was on the ground.

Just like their marriage.

He looks at the bow tie like it's both of his hearts she’d just thrown back at him. His jaw clenches and he looks up at her again.

“Stop this, River.” He says dangerously, stepping over the bow tie. She makes sure to look away as he does this because it feels a bit too much like he’d just stepped on their marriage. He catches her arm before she can move away, holding her still. “Stop it – just _listen_ to yourself – "

“I know what I’m saying, Doctor.” She snaps. “Why? Do you even remember our wedding night?”

His eyes flash and she hisses – and he realises it's because he’s gripping her arm tight enough to leave bruises. Dropping her arm like it's hot coal, he scrubs a hand over his face, gritting his teeth. _How_ can she even _think_ that he’d married her, _stayed_ with her, _made love_ to her out of obligation –

A muscle in his jaw ticks with the force he's clenching it with and his hazel eyes suddenly looked like fire when he looked at her again. She glared right back, and he was filled with the sudden urge to just _hurt_ her.

Without a word, he turned away from her and picked up the bowtie – _their_ bowtie and stalked past her towards the Tardis door. She stared at him with wide eyes as he threw open the door and held the bowtie out between his fingers. He watched with satisfaction as her wide-eyed stare became full-on panic as the floaty material flew around wildly just beyond the Tardis doors.

Watching him hold out the bowtie into space like it’d meant _nothing_ , not even a sentiment worth keeping – she felt like all the breath had left her lungs and she froze in place, her heart beating faster and faster as she watched the bowtie – _their bowtie_ – fly carelessly, his hands the only thing keeping them in place.

“What are you doing?” she whispered, frozen and not even bothering to hide the stricken and panicked look in her eyes, unable to tear the gaze off of the bowtie. They were in the middle of nowhere, in space – and if his fingers lifted the pressure just _slightly_ she knew the wind would take it off, and she’d never see it again.

He _wouldn’t_.

His eyes betrayed no hint of emotion as he lifted his hold on the bowtie and it flew out of sight.

_“NO!”_ she choked on a gasp and a sob at the same time as her weak knees staggered towards the door where he stood, not a trace of remorse on his featured as he stared at her heartbroken face. She didn’t stop the tears this time, just let them flow freely down her cheeks – but she wasn’t sobbing. No, she was far too furious for that. “What did you _do_?” she almost shrieked.

“As I was told.” And the mocking tone he’d said it in – the words that had been her marriage proposal – made her want to – to –

He stared at her, cold and unblinking – and she couldn’t help herself. The doors slammed shut and she swung her hand at his face and an almighty _crack_ echoed the silent room as her hand made contact harder than she’d ever anticipated. Not regretting her action, she stalked towards the console even as tears fell and her sobs started to echo the room. The Tardis, too, seemed to think he’d taken things too far, because she’d already entered the coordinates to Luna and took off immediately after River pulled the lever.

River felt the Tardis landing at her home in Luna and slouched over the console for a moment, gaining her bearings and keeping her eyes shut. She’d _never_ have thought he’d _actually_ –

Stopping herself, she told herself it was right for her to leave because _this is what happens when we grieve together, Doctor_. But yet she couldn’t stop the spite in her voice as she heaved herself off the console and stalked past her husband who was still standing by the door. “Don’t bother coming back.”

There was a pause.

“Don’t bother waiting for me.” He answered curtly.

She didn’t look back as he slammed the door shut behind her. She didn’t look back as the Tardis disappeared, probably forever.

She sank to her knees in the living room and cried.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not totally sure that I've got the hang of writing their characters just yet, but I really wanna work on that. I kinda want there to be a happy ending tho so I'm pretty sure this isn't gonna be the last time you'll see this fic about... I'm thinking of maybe including Twelve? idk. please leave a comment (even a smiley face counts thanks!)


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